‘Ruminations in Darkness’ – The FEAR Lurking Behind A Smile

The year is 2016. We are pioneers in almost every scientific field a human mind can fathom. We have reached the moon, taken pictures of Pluto, dug the earth to its core, and are a stone’s throw away from uncovering the big bang theory.

Almost…

One simple word and so much pain.

Almost…

I wish somehow one could see the inside of a human mind, when it is working; gazillions of ideas, feelings, reflexes, in all its glory. I wish some genius scientist could have invented such a device. For only then I could make you see the chaos that exists in mine. The paradise you sought has become the mess everyone detests.

This pain, it never leaves my side. I can feel it pulsing in every nerve. Every drop that leaves the heart carries with it the brunt of each heartbreak. No part of mine is without it. No dialysis will cleanse it.

“Here’s the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, Oh, Oh!”

 

And truer words were never spoken.

The memories, drowning me every second. Why cannot I suppress them? Why don’t they leave?

I do not want to remember everything. If only we could tear away the pages that begin with ‘Once upon a time…’ but never lead to a ‘… happily ever after’.

To think this is the worst part would be foolish. What haunts the very core of my existence are the voices. Night and day, the hidden conversations, the jokes that pinch, the lines that bring an unknowing smile. The screams, the shouts, and the constant cries of agony. The horror of it all makes me hide in a corner. It pleases the devil inside of me, he laughs at the futility of it all.

Why do I hide, when he can see me and the fear in my eyes? 

The naked me, in the dark, a feast for his eyes. My wounds are open and the sutures are pulled apart. Hooks leaving holes from where he hangs me every night, whips me until I am bleeding my memories of you. The fiend devours those last pieces of you, my only solace in this cruel world.

I watch him grow with each bite he takes. Feeding on my suffering and taking all of me with you. Leaving me here, to take what he throws my way. Only to watch me die again.

I walk alone this solitary path, engulfed in darkness. My hands stretched to catch hold of yours, fighting the ones that are dragging me back to that pit. I don’t want to stay in there. I am scared. Please do not leave me with them, with him.

If only someone could have a peek at that. I would show you mine. I die a thousand times inside, to give you the smile that makes your day.